Any Amusing Jokes?

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endlesszeal

Senior Member
i heard this one from my gf and i had to share it.. a forgien guy is about to recieve his green card, but before he does the test adminstrator tells him to use the words, green, pink, and yellow in a sentence.. so he goes, " well, when i'm at home and the phone goes 'green green', i pink it up and go 'yellow?'" :lol: i thought it was amusing if not tell me a better one..
 

xj0hnx

I wanna be sedated
VIP
Why can't lesbians diet and wear make up at the same time?











You can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay sitting on your face.
 

CRX-YEM

Super Moderator
Moderator
VIP
Originally posted by 92b16vx@Feb 28 2003, 04:07 PM
Why can't lesbians diet and wear make up at the same time?











You can eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay sitting on your face.

You can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay sitting on your face.
 

xj0hnx

I wanna be sedated
VIP
doh.gif
thanks.
 

TRuggiero_

Senior Member
Oh man, I'm bout the king of jokes, but I'll lay the first one I can think of on ya.......
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other, "This taste funny to you?"
 

ScrapinSi

Senior Member
So these 2 guys are in texas, talkin about all the mexicans sneaking over the border....

One says to the other "I hear they are gonna build a wall, to stop all the mexicans from coming to the U.S"

The other one says "That wont work... They'll just hop over the wall... Here's what they need to do... Go to mexico, and give all the people who want to come to the U.S. sleeping pills... Tell them its really good drugs... Then, when they fall asleep, load them all onto trucks, and drive them to Montana... Dump them all off in Montana, and leave... Then, when they wake up, they'll run to mexico!!!"
 

dohcvtec_accord

WRX Sellout
A pedophile and a little boy are walking along in a big forest. It starts to get dark, and the little boy looks up at the man and says "Mister, it's getting dark, and I'm getting scared." The man says to the boy "You think you're scared? I've got to walk out of here alone."
 

La_Pieuvre

Senior Member
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
 

90 accord

Chicks dig the box
VIP
Originally posted by La_Pieuvre@Mar 3 2003, 01:28 PM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

:D
 

CRX-YEM

Super Moderator
Moderator
VIP
Do you know why women don't fart?

It's because their mouths aren't shut for a long enough time for the
pressure to build up.
 

CRX-YEM

Super Moderator
Moderator
VIP
BUSH HAS TEA WITH THE QUEEN

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He
asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me
to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime
Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is
it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and
says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman
of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons
Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you
can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is
it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back
to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other
senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for
several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in
desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and
explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush,
and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin
Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"
 

Tonyd0821

Banned
oh i think its time for some misogny (sp?) ...these are some oldie but goodies.
and NO i do not beat women and or condone violence to women, just because i tell some off-color jokes...
(had to clarify that for all of our very special "lets take everything we read to heart" people.....

Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you allready told her twice


Q: Why are there so many battered womens shelters?
A: Because women just don't fucking listen.

Q: Your wife comes running out of the kitchen into the living room yelling and screaming at you. What did you do wrong?
A: Made the leash two feet too long.

Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: Thats the color most kitchen appliances come in

Q: Your wife's watch breaks. What do you do?
A: Nothing. There's a perfectly good one over the stove.

Q: How do you know when a woman has had an orgasm?
A: Who gives a fuck?

and there was a few more that i forgot....


oh... What time is bedtime is at the never-never land ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand......
 
Originally posted by ScrapinSi@Mar 3 2003, 01:09 PM
So these 2 guys are in texas, talkin about all the mexicans sneaking over the border....

One says to the other "I hear they are gonna build a wall, to stop all the mexicans from coming to the U.S"

The other one says "That wont work... They'll just hop over the wall... Here's what they need to do... Go to mexico, and give all the people who want to come to the U.S. sleeping pills... Tell them its really good drugs... Then, when they fall asleep, load them all onto trucks, and drive them to Montana... Dump them all off in Montana, and leave... Then, when they wake up, they'll run to mexico!!!"

Shouldn't that punch line be..."then they will all run to Canada." That would make it more ideal since they dropped them off in Montana and they will run north.
 

Havok

Senior Member
Originally posted by ScrapinSi@Mar 3 2003, 01:09 PM
So these 2 guys are in texas, talkin about all the mexicans sneaking over the border....

One says to the other "I hear they are gonna build a wall, to stop all the mexicans from coming to the U.S"

The other one says "That wont work... They'll just hop over the wall... Here's what they need to do... Go to mexico, and give all the people who want to come to the U.S. sleeping pills... Tell them its really good drugs... Then, when they fall asleep, load them all onto trucks, and drive them to Montana... Dump them all off in Montana, and leave... Then, when they wake up, they'll run to mexico!!!"

Good one, u fucked it up good. It's they will run from Montana to Canada.

Q: 2 gay guys are having sex, and the house starts burning down. Who gets out 1st, the guy taking it in the ass, or the guy recieving it?





















A: The guy receiving, becuase his shit is already packed.
 

Prowler

Super Moderator
Originally posted by turbinedzc+Mar 3 2003, 07:24 PM-->
ScrapinSi
@Mar 3 2003, 01:09 PM
So these 2 guys are in texas, talkin about all the mexicans sneaking over the border....

One says to the other "I hear they are gonna build a wall, to stop all the mexicans from coming to the U.S"

The other one says "That wont work... They'll just hop over the wall... Here's what they need to do... Go to mexico, and give all the people who want to come to the U.S. sleeping pills... Tell them its really good drugs... Then, when they fall asleep, load them all onto trucks, and drive them to Montana... Dump them all off in Montana, and leave... Then, when they wake up, they'll run to mexico!!!"

Shouldn't that punch line be..."then they will all run to Canada." That would make it more ideal since they dropped them off in Montana and they will run north.

Hey, I live in MT you bastards :eek:
 

Havok

Senior Member
Originally posted by Prowler+Mar 3 2003, 11:29 PM-->
Originally posted by turbinedzc@Mar 3 2003, 07:24 PM
ScrapinSi
@Mar 3 2003, 01:09 PM
So these 2 guys are in texas, talkin about all the mexicans sneaking over the border....

One says to the other "I hear they are gonna build a wall, to stop all the mexicans from coming to the U.S"

The other one says "That wont work... They'll just hop over the wall... Here's what they need to do... Go to mexico, and give all the people who want to come to the U.S. sleeping pills... Tell them its really good drugs... Then, when they fall asleep, load them all onto trucks, and drive them to Montana...  Dump them all off in Montana, and leave... Then, when they wake up, they'll run to mexico!!!"

Shouldn't that punch line be..."then they will all run to Canada." That would make it more ideal since they dropped them off in Montana and they will run north.

Hey, I live in MT you bastards :eek:

Well, you need some diversity up there anyways, so the Mexicans will be good for you.
 

endlesszeal

Senior Member
i just heard these.. probably old.. what does the word "assume" make?? an ASS out of U and ME! got us cracking.. haha.. maybe because it was the marijuana? oh well it was funny..
also, there are two gay fellas having a little chat at a bar.. they start having a fart contest.. the first one rips a HUGE one and they giggle.. the second one lets a earth shattering one and they giggle.. then a 3rd gay guy over hears their little contest and walks over and let em rips.. but only a small one that is bearly audible comes out.. the first two laughs histerically and shouts "VIRGIN!!"
 
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