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Single again, WTF

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by ThatGuy4life, Feb 10, 2010.

  1. ThatGuy4life

    ThatGuy4life The Riced Sleeper

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    So after being engaged for a year i'm single again. Brief scenario, I have my daughter she has her son, her son calls me daddy I've taken care of him and raised him basically since I've met her. Lately we argued about her not approving of hos I raise him as the only time I interact w/ him is to discipline him. My point of view was that I was raised up to do things for myself the only time I really interacted w/ my parents was for discipline and I turned out all right I think and I see nothing wrong w/ it. Our other main argument was that she wants things to be how they were when we 1st met because I talked more and spent more time w/ her. my rebuttal was I'm normally a quiet person when I 1st met you yes I talked more and interacted w/ you cause i was trying to get to know you and find out what u were about. I've done that and there's no longer that newness of the relationship for me. So she decided to move out so we can live apart and start over so that it will be like it used to be.

    Me being the stubborn person that I am, said hell no. If you move out it's over for good, I'm not about to undo all that we've done and fought for in this last year of being engaged to start over... why, to end up back where we are at now because this is who I am. Tell me if I'm wrong isn't a relationship supposed to be about 2 people being together who will yes have problems and differences from time to time but working together to get through them to build and strengthen their relationship? Am I wrong, am I being an asshole for telling her if you move out we're over, am I not seeing her point of view, should I accept what she wants to do and start over????
     
  2. Battle Pope

    Battle Pope New Member

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    Successful relationships involve both parties meeting in the middle and both changing if necessary to make the other party happy as well as themselves. If one or both parties is unwilling to change, the relationship will fail as you've just described.
     
  3. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

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    well i have to agree with you, and battle pope as well.

    you have to be willing to change.
    and she has to be willing to change as well.

    her moving out will do nothing but harm because, like you said, it will just end up the same in a year or so.
    also, the more space between you, now that you have lived together, will only push you two further apart.
    but, at the same time, you should be willing to be interactive with the people you have chosen to spend your life with. children these days need more parental interaction other than just discipline. i wish my father had been more of a dad to me and my siblings. i would love to have had a figure in my life that was a disciplinarian, but also a role model and a friend at the same time.
    and women want to be talked to, included and basically have a connection other than a daily routine and sex.
    you should be willing to give her that.
    at the same time, she should be willing to allow you to have your quiet time to sit back and be a hermit (if you consider yourself that). also, if she is willing to allow her son to call you daddy, then she should be willing to work with you to come up with a mutual plan on how to raise BOTH kids. theres nothing worse than being in a family where one parent has his kids, and the other has hers, trust me, i know.
    it always becomes tense.

    you both have issues that you need to work out if you want to stay together.
    if you love her and her son, you will be willing to give a little and be more proactive in their lives, and respect the things that she wants for her son.
    if she loves you and your daughter, she will respect the fact that you arent a very social person and like to just hang out and be who you are, and respect how you choose to raise your daughter.

    but, if you two are looking to get married, you can not, CAN NOT look at it from a point of "her son" and "his daughter". thats a recipe for disaster that i absolutely hate because i lived in a house like that for 14 years.
    if you love each other, its "our kids" regardless of everything.
    you need to sit down and calmly discuss what it is that each of you want and meet in the middle.
    it sounds like they are very easily solved problems. and will just require only a little give from each side.

    just give it a shot, talking wont hurt anything, if you are already on the brink of splitting up, it can only do good.
     
  4. ThatGuy4life

    ThatGuy4life The Riced Sleeper

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    Excellent advice, however the problem lies w/ the fact that it took me till a few days ago even after we've been together all this time that i'm not single any more and I said I wanted a family which is why I asked her to marry me and it can't be about me just having my me time. It needs to be family time. However she's still thinking that is she comes home it's going to eventually end up being how it was w/ me just wanting to always have my me time
     
  5. D16Civic

    D16Civic Matt

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    I think you may want to give it a day or two and sit down together to figure out what you both want and expect.

    It's not going to do any good trying to talk when you're both pissed off. I have to say her idea of moving out and trying to make things "new" again doesn't sound like a realistic thing.
     
  6. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

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    ok. let me see if i read that right. was a little hard to get that.

    you basically just came to terms with the fact that you are going to be married.
    trying to get comfortable with losing the alone time you used to have.
    trying to get accustomed to being a family man vs being a single dad.

    shes thinking that no matter if you talk about it, and come up with an agreement that it will eventually just go back to you wanting to be left alone and things end up exactly how they have been?

    if thats right then i will say this:
    its all compromise and trust.
    you two have to reach a compromise, and trust that each other will stick with it.
    you both just need to have enough courage to speak up to the other when one goes off course.
    at the same time, both need to be strong enough to not get upset if you are accused of being off course.

    if you two were willing to get married and her son already calls you daddy, its not about just you two anymore or whats good for you. its about the kids too.

    if you arent willing to work together and compromise, then its probably better to split. if you arent willing to trust each other and keep each other on track of what was agreed upon.

    it all starts with talking it out.
     
  7. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    Nearly exactly what I was going to write so why retype it. In addition, if you have no probably with him calling you daddy(you don't appear to) then he is truly your son too. They should be raised the same and treated like a daughter and son and brother and sister. No mine or hers.

    One thing that I've found with alone time, when done around other people it can come off as ignoring them. It's not impossible to have alone time though. I look at my father. The man goes to the gym, plays basketball on open court night, and has the occasional ski or golf trip with his buddies. I have never seen it as him ignoring the family. He is simply doing things he enjoys. If you enjoy reading, go to a library or park to do it. Sitting on the computer? Hit Starbucks for an hour. I don't want to call it out of sight out of mind, but that's exactly what it is. If its seen as something you are leaving the house to go enjoy it wont turn into you just sat there for 2 hours and didn't even acknowledge anyone else.
     
  8. Briansol

    Briansol Admins Admin VIP

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    you're bored with her.

    quiet person or not, if you got nothing to say, it's time to move on. get your ring back and split.
     
  9. corvetteguy78

    corvetteguy78 Well-Known Member VIP

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    Here is my take on this, coming from someone was was engaged and then called it off(we were together almost 3 years and lived together for almost he whole time.) And obviously what i say is far from uncommon knowlege.

    I believe that there are 2 main things to make successfull relationship(of course there is far more then these but these are KEY)....

    1.) Communication---Number 1 thing right there....If you can't communicate your relationship will fail, period. If something is bothering you need to let the other person know in a way that doesn't upset the other person, not always easy.

    2.) Compromise- Again, no brainer...if this can't be accomplished in a relationship your done.

    In your case she is comminicating with you about how she feels( i have no idea how she presented this to you, in regard to tone/manner.) She is saying something is bothering her and she wants to bring it to your attention.


    So you need to decide on how you want to spend the rest of your life. Are you willing to compromise and is she? Maybe a couple times a week you devote to something she wants you to do and a couple of times a week she devotes to let you be who you are.

    If your not willing to do that, then it's over and same with her if she's not willing.

    Also, no your not a asshole or wrong for saying if she leaves it's over. Running away is not the answer...all that does it say whever there is a problem I can't handle, I will run away. I would have, and have had said the same thing.

    Anyways, you should sit down and evalaute your life, who you are, what you want, what your willing to do for another and then decide.
     
  10. jamesA

    jamesA Well known pissed off telephone guy VIP

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    Welcome back! We almost lost another one.

    Anyway, good advice in here.
     
  11. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    maybe she wanted to move out so she could test drive
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2010
  12. Taco15

    Taco15 I wear stretchy pants VIP

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    dont put things in head....:mellow:
     
  13. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

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    yeah, this is partly right, but, not offense to you B, but any relationship advise from single people should be taken with a HUGE grain of salt.

    of course, i agree with the bored part, you are going to have points where you are bored with somebody.
    when you are with somebody for so long, theres nothing new to talk about. thats when the hard part of a relationship comes in to play.

    you like your alone time? and she wants to spend more time to be together? well, try this one out, explain that you like your quiet time and include her into it. find shows that you both enjoy, get a drink for each of you, sit down and put your arm around her and watch the shows together. no talking needed, its just a gesture and you still get your alone time per say, as long as theres hardly any discussion.

    find new hobbies to do together.

    but it all starts with communication.
    corvetteguys advice is right on par.
     
  14. jamesA

    jamesA Well known pissed off telephone guy VIP

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    Thats right, put head in things. :thumbsup:
     
  15. Briansol

    Briansol Admins Admin VIP

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    that's exactly why i AM single... i get bored, annoyed, etc fast.
     
  16. 95b16coupe

    95b16coupe New Member

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    i get bored too. but i would rather be bored and get laid once in a while than interested and have a long dry spells. i'm a horney motherfucker and trying to get random ass just doesn't do it for me. plus i hate spending money on dating.
     
  17. phyregod

    phyregod !!YTINASNI

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    Relationships have crappy times as well as good times. But if she is willing to move out, she has already made up her mind. "I'm going to move out, but still date you from over here".. It just doesn't make any sense. I think you did the right thing and saved yourself a couple of years of fighting and bullshit and trying to make it work, only to end up right here again.

    Its tough, and it sucks, but if it isn't working on a permanent level after being engaged and living together for a year, marriage isn't going to fix anything.

    That being said, this is your life, and you are the one who has to make the ultimate decision here. We can spew relationship advise easily, because we don't have to live with the decision for the rest of our lives.

    "Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery"
     
  18. jeffie7

    jeffie7 Wrong Whole! VIP

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    I'd rather be bored and lay anything I want then to be bored and stuck with 1 person.

    Just because B doesn't have a boring woman, doesn't mean he doesn't get laid. He does live with E. E brings home all kinds of ass I'm sure. I bet there's plenty of left overs for B.
     
  19. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

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    im the same way, i always get bored, but the difference is, i found a girl that was just hot enough to power through the boredom.
    its not very often you meet a girl that is very hot, not a total bitch and can be trusted 100%. so, i deal when i get bored.


    lmao.
     
  20. ThatGuy4life

    ThatGuy4life The Riced Sleeper

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    Tried that, didn't work out too well for me. If it's not talking it's not quality time for her. She says she wants to talk so I'm like ok talk, but most of the time she has nothing to say. She says let's do something, ok what doyou want to do. IDK you pick something. ok let's watch a movie together sitback and relax (I own over 600 movies). That doesnt work cause most of the time she ends up falling asleep because she's tired. So i'm like why bother. Mon-Fri I come home I really just wanna kick back I get into work mode during the week. Wake up go to work come home unwind chill, weekends I'm open to whatever you wanna do, spend time together go do something have fun cool, however her rebuttal is that's not good enough
     
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