boostedf22
dis is why im not
Knowing the hundreds – perhaps even thousands – of women out there pining for my love and affection, I thought this might be a good moment to provide a helpful checklist noting the specific qualities of the person I would call "Phil’s Dream Girl." Ladies (and Gentlemen, if you so choose), compare your attributes to those on the list and see how you measure up.
But before I reveal the list populated by those select personality traits I consider essential in the woman I’ll one day force to marry me while I’m dressed as old, fat Elvis and she as a showgirl, I’ll give every female reading this her proper hope. If, perchance, one or two of these characteristics don’t entirely describe you, there’s no need to be heartbroken. I’m perfect enough for both of us, so surely you can have a flaw or two. And if you’ve got really big jugs, I’ll let you have three flaws.
_____ Quality 1: Must be female
Self explanatory, I think. But it also has a qualification: you must have always been female. (Sorry Kelly Clarkson… guess that knocks you out.)
_____ Quality 2: Nice boobs
No preference whether they’re fake or natural, but they have to be at least C-cups. (Note: this can be waived for exceptionally hot girls with smaller boobs so long as they’re willing to get implants… at their expense, of course.)
_____ Quality 3: Child of a broken home
I need a girl who isn’t afraid to get freaky on Fridays, and that’s just not going to happen with a girl whose parents loved and cared for her as most parents should. Divorces are acceptable, but bonus points if your dad beat you or your mom and/or was sent to prison. (Exception: rebellious daughters of pastors also qualify.)
_____ Quality 4: Able to throw "good judgment" out the window when drunk
In other words, responsible drinkers need not apply. Bottom line – someone has to drive us home. And since I plan on being passed out in the passenger seat, that leaves you.
_____ Quality 5: Drive large SUV
There’s not enough whisky in the world to get me drunk enough to let a woman drive my car, so you’ll have to drive to the bars as well. And since I live by the mantra "women drivers, no survivors," you’d better have the kind of vehicle that can split a Miata in two without waking me.
_____ Quality 6: Must be rich Someone has got to pay my bar tab. And that someone had better not be me. However, if you’re hot enough you can get my drinks for free, that’s also acceptable.
_____ Quality 7: Often travel for work
I can get sick of any girl. I don’t expect my dream girl to be any different, and quite honestly, I need a lot of "me time."
_____ Quality 8: Must hate Paris Hilton
I know this requirement actually only eliminates Paris Hilton herself from my potential suitors, but I think it was necessary. I’m sorry Paris, I’ve been hurt by you too many times. You had your chance and you blew it when you destroyed Britney’s wholesomeness.
_____ Quality 9: Have hot, underage sister
I know, I know, it’s a little creepy. But just remember, dream girls shouldn’t judge.
_____ Quality 10: Always well-supplied with recreational "party favors"
You don’t need a lot. Just enough to maybe fit in your pocket… you know, in case the moment calls for it.
That list isn't too daunting, is it? Heck, I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who boast all these qualities. And let me tell you, if you're a lucky enough man to already have a girl like this, don't ever let her go. Trust me, she's a keeper...
But before I reveal the list populated by those select personality traits I consider essential in the woman I’ll one day force to marry me while I’m dressed as old, fat Elvis and she as a showgirl, I’ll give every female reading this her proper hope. If, perchance, one or two of these characteristics don’t entirely describe you, there’s no need to be heartbroken. I’m perfect enough for both of us, so surely you can have a flaw or two. And if you’ve got really big jugs, I’ll let you have three flaws.
_____ Quality 1: Must be female
Self explanatory, I think. But it also has a qualification: you must have always been female. (Sorry Kelly Clarkson… guess that knocks you out.)
_____ Quality 2: Nice boobs
No preference whether they’re fake or natural, but they have to be at least C-cups. (Note: this can be waived for exceptionally hot girls with smaller boobs so long as they’re willing to get implants… at their expense, of course.)
_____ Quality 3: Child of a broken home
I need a girl who isn’t afraid to get freaky on Fridays, and that’s just not going to happen with a girl whose parents loved and cared for her as most parents should. Divorces are acceptable, but bonus points if your dad beat you or your mom and/or was sent to prison. (Exception: rebellious daughters of pastors also qualify.)
_____ Quality 4: Able to throw "good judgment" out the window when drunk
In other words, responsible drinkers need not apply. Bottom line – someone has to drive us home. And since I plan on being passed out in the passenger seat, that leaves you.
_____ Quality 5: Drive large SUV
There’s not enough whisky in the world to get me drunk enough to let a woman drive my car, so you’ll have to drive to the bars as well. And since I live by the mantra "women drivers, no survivors," you’d better have the kind of vehicle that can split a Miata in two without waking me.
_____ Quality 6: Must be rich Someone has got to pay my bar tab. And that someone had better not be me. However, if you’re hot enough you can get my drinks for free, that’s also acceptable.
_____ Quality 7: Often travel for work
I can get sick of any girl. I don’t expect my dream girl to be any different, and quite honestly, I need a lot of "me time."
_____ Quality 8: Must hate Paris Hilton
I know this requirement actually only eliminates Paris Hilton herself from my potential suitors, but I think it was necessary. I’m sorry Paris, I’ve been hurt by you too many times. You had your chance and you blew it when you destroyed Britney’s wholesomeness.
_____ Quality 9: Have hot, underage sister
I know, I know, it’s a little creepy. But just remember, dream girls shouldn’t judge.
_____ Quality 10: Always well-supplied with recreational "party favors"
You don’t need a lot. Just enough to maybe fit in your pocket… you know, in case the moment calls for it.
That list isn't too daunting, is it? Heck, I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who boast all these qualities. And let me tell you, if you're a lucky enough man to already have a girl like this, don't ever let her go. Trust me, she's a keeper...