now, don't get me wrong... i've had very few real relationships with girls... but i don't know. it just seems like no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try, no matter if i don't try at all, things just simply don't work. i end up fucking up by saying something, or doing something wrong. and i hate it. it just feels like theres no one out there that could ever truely understand me for who i am, what i want to be, and what i have to give. i dunno... im just all down right now. got in a huge "fight" with the girl i'm seeing, and frankly, after all the shit that went down tonight, im suprised that she still wants to talk to me. I just had another cigarette.... i have a headache now, my stomach is all fucked up, and on top of it all, i just feel like a pile of dog shit. i'm really beginning to truely think that i'm destined to be alone. the love i have to give just isn't wanted.... the love i want back just never comes in. and i know what everyone is going to say... you just haven't met the right one yet... well, i don't believe in it anymore. i don't think there is such a thing as the right one. i'm debating calling it off with her now so i don't hurt her or break her heart anymore than i already have. i don't want to do it, and i would love to see something come out of this.. but its been a week, and we've gotten into at least 4 pretty big arguements all because of shit i said or assumed. i don't even know why im typing this... it isn't making me feel any better, and im probably only going to get flamed for posting my personal life on a message board... but at this point, i don't know what to do. i'm getting to the point where i kinda just want to withdrawl from soceity- go live in the middle of no where, and never see anyone ever again, and die the lonely man that I am right now. The empty void inside of me just can't seemed to be filled, and i'm tired of hurting people trying to look for it. i find it almost amazing that i've made some pretty good friends on here. i talk to a lot of you on a regular basis, and i don't have a problem with it. But the second my emotions get involved in a relationship, i fuck up. and let me tell you, they come on too fucking fast. out of the 4 girls i seriously dated more than a couple days, i was thoroughly attached to them within about a week. This one, it took 3 days. wtf is wrong with me? i've known this girl for 3 days, and i'd gladly take a bullet for her. I should barely know her- and its true, i really don't... there simply hasn't been enough time to... and yet, im so hooked to the point where its stupid, and more so, fucks things up because i want too much too fast. But I can't hide these feelings i have. If I did, i'd only be fooling myself. Instead, I rush shit, and it ends up in a huge fight about something all of which could have been avoided if i had just sat back, and thought logically instead of emotionally. I thought girls were supposed to do this, not guys. I talked to bill a little bit tonight about this, and he said that it's ok to feel stuff... but you need to learn how to control the reaction of how you feel. How do you do this and not make your self feel like a hipocrite for lying about it, or dig yourself into a deeper hole because its not truely what you mean? what do you do with pent up emotions? I'm the type who blows up when shit fills up. I can only hold so much in, and it will blow up- and when it does, its probably worse off than just letting them out as they come. I just wish things were easy... i wish the way i feel about her is the way she feels about me. and althewhile, i wish that i never met her so she wouldn't have to put up with my shit... but then, i think that if she didn't want to, she wouldn't... but she has, and really seems interested in trying to work things out, but i just need to stop being a fucktard. i treat her right and she couldn't be happier in that respect it seems, but some of the things i've said are just uncalled for or out of line, because they were spewed from emotions inside of me, and it has had her on the verge of tears a couple times, and the fuck you *click* has happened twice already. I don't think im going to have another chance to fuck up. there is no point to this thread. i just needed to get some of this stuff out. if you want cliffs, you probably have no idea what its like. kindly skip this thread.