Consider for a moment how Tolkien constructs the Fellowship of the Ring. Broken down the work is essentially a long chase.
The begining mess at Hobbiton plays two purposes. First it carries on the weight of the Hobbit, using some sequel posturing to buy time while, secondly, time in hand it goes at length to set the scene and re-emerse the reader into Middle Earth.
Very quickly the novel turns to a chase, the menace of the Ring, the corruption of Bilbo, and the flight of Frodo all set a new feel of drama. I would argue that the arguement between Gandalf and Bilbo is a sort of door construct to move from the comfort of Hobbiton into the unknown of the coming war.
All things from that point on are set against the menace of the watch of Sauron and the impending doom of being caught. It is in the grip of this dramatic construct that Tolkien lays down further fleshing of the story. Remember that the description of the Nazgul takes place while
they are across the way tearing up what they think is the main characters. You always need to keep the reader engaged as you play out your story.
The arrival at Rivendale is a brief respite from the drama of the chase. This really just serves to further the plot, set up a new group, and re-engage in the chase.
Take your work now. Your basic plot is one of a journey. This is an introspection on the part of the narrator, who is also the main character. What you failed to do was set the story in motion. Description and construction of your themes seemed more like stop and go traffic than a smooth move forward.
Ultimately a journey has a begining, a middle, and an end. The character's, largely internal, voice should match your own but you need to keep them seperate. There is the idea of what the character knows, what he encounters, and what he learns. You have the (dis)advantage of an omnicient perspective.
Keep pace with the character's learning curve. Things that are not yet known can be forshadowed through metephor, through external
actors. The woman at the end of the pier isn't really a woman. She is a vehical for expression, both through dialog and metaphor. The nervousness of the author shows that he is now in the middle of the journey and uncertain of the outcome. The narrator does not know that he has been set up and Mary is not present. This comes in at the end.
The draw down from the pier need not be long. Its a matter of tempo. With the rather direct end via the phone call I would not drag overlong on this element. This is the character's emergence. There should be some sort of final reflection that is supported, overturned or somehow played on in the end.
did I ever mention I talk too much?