Celerity tells the tale
- Thread starter Celerity
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tunercrazed
HS Official Hippie
that blows, maybe you'll get some ass out of it at least
very nice story,
and where do you think you will go?
and where do you think you will go?
tunercrazed
HS Official Hippie
away from you, damn nazi
hey, you will not seak against der Führer.
fucking yanks.
fucking yanks.
Celerity
Well-Known Member
I'm not looking anymore. I'm still pretty happy with the whole "chance" formula.
What I want is a new higher paying job. I've got one offer now and it's a great position at a huge company, but the pay is ridiculous for the work.
Celerity
Well-Known Member
No idea yet. I'm thinking about going where some action is.
Paris France
Iceland
Germany
England
NYC (Just a jump away)
Seattle (Liberal hellhole, but it's pretty)
or back to Colorado Springs.
I'm also looking into a job in antarctica. Again.
a job on antartica?
wtf is there to do in antartica, aside from taking core samples?
wtf is there to do in antartica, aside from taking core samples?
Celerity
Well-Known Member
I applied for Raytheon in 2000 to work McMurdo during the summer. I'm fit, active, speak english and french pretty well - spoke german, icelandic and polish a lot better than I do now, and was learning Russian. I am a member of MENSA, survivalist, I.T. professional who grew up with the Amish and spent his evenings rock climbing in the rockies. I'm into robotics, electronics, telecommunication and science.
They said I wasn't qualified.
I'll tell you what there is to do in Antarctica. Be yourself and keep things running. They are building a new shelter down there this year, and I think once again I should be in on it.
They said I wasn't qualified.
I'll tell you what there is to do in Antarctica. Be yourself and keep things running. They are building a new shelter down there this year, and I think once again I should be in on it.
drbelanger73
Beer is good for you.
I'll have to read this later I need to sleep...
Hondadude141
¿pɐǝɥ ɹn ɥʇıʍ uıop nɥɔʇɐʍ
wow Cel that is a great story!! i could actually get into it and feel like i was te "camera" guy that was filming this, like i was there, its great man, and i know what you mean by loosing it, insipration is like a little voice in my ear, ill be like right in the middle of working on my car and have to stop becasue i have this great idea for a song.. and then 30 minutes later i loose my concentration and the little "voice" goes away...
LS_VTEC
you get the BRAKE
drbelanger73
Beer is good for you.
The literary critique...
The work is engaging but it is confused and leads me off in different directions. The first paragraph could be done away with all together as it seems to lead the leader down the path of commentary on american culture. I also had a little trouble with voice.
The expression of alienation is good. I like the peering in and out of the glass and the lack of privacy to back it up. It needs to remain a focus though. I feel in the begining that I am being taken on a journey. You need to stay fluid, taking the reader from one point to the next. I suppose tempo is what is missing.
Try moving down the peir as the character remembers and reflects. It will give the story a flow and movement of its own. Try introducing the Mary character right away. When she drops in several lines from the start she is a distraction and almost seems superfluous. Begin with her and end with her on the phone.
Theme: Alienation
Vehical of Expression: Glass Windows
Reinforcment: Cultural Transplant of the Narrator (east to west)
Keep focused on these things and bounce them off of each other as you lead the reader down the peir. This is an inner journey that can be matched spatially for the reader by the movement of the character through the narrative. This also serves to end the plot structure with the main character (narrator) moving back down the pier, taking the reader with him to the conclusion of the work. This also seemlessly brings Mary back into the story for the final conversation. Don't forget to work the strange girl into the Thematic constructs of the work. Methaphorically work her into the expression with description that calls back on the theme (eyes/windows/penetration of the soul/commonality of alienation)
Don't get me wrong, I liked it and wanted to comment on my own (almost) move to San Fran. It just seemed more like a freewriting kernel that had not been worked out. It lacked flow, the thematic voice was confusing, and there was no clear plot structure.
Don't hate me, I'm an English/Lit major these days and an existential philosophy student previously. Writing is all I do sometimes. Not that some of my posts reflect that
.
Clean it up, revise and post it again.
The work is engaging but it is confused and leads me off in different directions. The first paragraph could be done away with all together as it seems to lead the leader down the path of commentary on american culture. I also had a little trouble with voice.
The expression of alienation is good. I like the peering in and out of the glass and the lack of privacy to back it up. It needs to remain a focus though. I feel in the begining that I am being taken on a journey. You need to stay fluid, taking the reader from one point to the next. I suppose tempo is what is missing.
Try moving down the peir as the character remembers and reflects. It will give the story a flow and movement of its own. Try introducing the Mary character right away. When she drops in several lines from the start she is a distraction and almost seems superfluous. Begin with her and end with her on the phone.
Theme: Alienation
Vehical of Expression: Glass Windows
Reinforcment: Cultural Transplant of the Narrator (east to west)
Keep focused on these things and bounce them off of each other as you lead the reader down the peir. This is an inner journey that can be matched spatially for the reader by the movement of the character through the narrative. This also serves to end the plot structure with the main character (narrator) moving back down the pier, taking the reader with him to the conclusion of the work. This also seemlessly brings Mary back into the story for the final conversation. Don't forget to work the strange girl into the Thematic constructs of the work. Methaphorically work her into the expression with description that calls back on the theme (eyes/windows/penetration of the soul/commonality of alienation)
Don't get me wrong, I liked it and wanted to comment on my own (almost) move to San Fran. It just seemed more like a freewriting kernel that had not been worked out. It lacked flow, the thematic voice was confusing, and there was no clear plot structure.
Don't hate me, I'm an English/Lit major these days and an existential philosophy student previously. Writing is all I do sometimes. Not that some of my posts reflect that
.Clean it up, revise and post it again.
drbelanger73
Beer is good for you.
It depends on what you want. I'll be happy to read it again if you make the effort.
drbelanger73
Beer is good for you.
No, no.. voice is important.
It is not a literal voice (no pun) that meant. It was the lack of focus and clear movement that clouded your voice. Voice is something that guides the work, it gets across what you have to say. It is critical in a narration. The narrator was all over the place with his account. That was the only problem with voice that I found.
It is not a literal voice (no pun) that meant. It was the lack of focus and clear movement that clouded your voice. Voice is something that guides the work, it gets across what you have to say. It is critical in a narration. The narrator was all over the place with his account. That was the only problem with voice that I found.
drbelanger73
Beer is good for you.
Consider for a moment how Tolkien constructs the Fellowship of the Ring. Broken down the work is essentially a long chase.
The begining mess at Hobbiton plays two purposes. First it carries on the weight of the Hobbit, using some sequel posturing to buy time while, secondly, time in hand it goes at length to set the scene and re-emerse the reader into Middle Earth.
Very quickly the novel turns to a chase, the menace of the Ring, the corruption of Bilbo, and the flight of Frodo all set a new feel of drama. I would argue that the arguement between Gandalf and Bilbo is a sort of door construct to move from the comfort of Hobbiton into the unknown of the coming war.
All things from that point on are set against the menace of the watch of Sauron and the impending doom of being caught. It is in the grip of this dramatic construct that Tolkien lays down further fleshing of the story. Remember that the description of the Nazgul takes place while they are across the way tearing up what they think is the main characters. You always need to keep the reader engaged as you play out your story.
The arrival at Rivendale is a brief respite from the drama of the chase. This really just serves to further the plot, set up a new group, and re-engage in the chase.
Take your work now. Your basic plot is one of a journey. This is an introspection on the part of the narrator, who is also the main character. What you failed to do was set the story in motion. Description and construction of your themes seemed more like stop and go traffic than a smooth move forward.
Ultimately a journey has a begining, a middle, and an end. The character's, largely internal, voice should match your own but you need to keep them seperate. There is the idea of what the character knows, what he encounters, and what he learns. You have the (dis)advantage of an omnicient perspective.
Keep pace with the character's learning curve. Things that are not yet known can be forshadowed through metephor, through external actors. The woman at the end of the pier isn't really a woman. She is a vehical for expression, both through dialog and metaphor. The nervousness of the author shows that he is now in the middle of the journey and uncertain of the outcome. The narrator does not know that he has been set up and Mary is not present. This comes in at the end.
The draw down from the pier need not be long. Its a matter of tempo. With the rather direct end via the phone call I would not drag overlong on this element. This is the character's emergence. There should be some sort of final reflection that is supported, overturned or somehow played on in the end.
did I ever mention I talk too much?
The begining mess at Hobbiton plays two purposes. First it carries on the weight of the Hobbit, using some sequel posturing to buy time while, secondly, time in hand it goes at length to set the scene and re-emerse the reader into Middle Earth.
Very quickly the novel turns to a chase, the menace of the Ring, the corruption of Bilbo, and the flight of Frodo all set a new feel of drama. I would argue that the arguement between Gandalf and Bilbo is a sort of door construct to move from the comfort of Hobbiton into the unknown of the coming war.
All things from that point on are set against the menace of the watch of Sauron and the impending doom of being caught. It is in the grip of this dramatic construct that Tolkien lays down further fleshing of the story. Remember that the description of the Nazgul takes place while they are across the way tearing up what they think is the main characters. You always need to keep the reader engaged as you play out your story.
The arrival at Rivendale is a brief respite from the drama of the chase. This really just serves to further the plot, set up a new group, and re-engage in the chase.
Take your work now. Your basic plot is one of a journey. This is an introspection on the part of the narrator, who is also the main character. What you failed to do was set the story in motion. Description and construction of your themes seemed more like stop and go traffic than a smooth move forward.
Ultimately a journey has a begining, a middle, and an end. The character's, largely internal, voice should match your own but you need to keep them seperate. There is the idea of what the character knows, what he encounters, and what he learns. You have the (dis)advantage of an omnicient perspective.
Keep pace with the character's learning curve. Things that are not yet known can be forshadowed through metephor, through external actors. The woman at the end of the pier isn't really a woman. She is a vehical for expression, both through dialog and metaphor. The nervousness of the author shows that he is now in the middle of the journey and uncertain of the outcome. The narrator does not know that he has been set up and Mary is not present. This comes in at the end.
The draw down from the pier need not be long. Its a matter of tempo. With the rather direct end via the phone call I would not drag overlong on this element. This is the character's emergence. There should be some sort of final reflection that is supported, overturned or somehow played on in the end.
did I ever mention I talk too much?
Kanned
Beast
Considering I have a hard time reading anything besides news articles on the computer, I printed this out and read it in bed. I have no advice on how to re-write it, but I honestly enjoyed it. I don't care what's wrong or not wrong with the story, I honestly followed it visually 100%. Maybe I'm just easy to please in the reading department, but I enjoyed the ever-living hell out of it. I'll be more than happy to try and conjure up some criticism if you'd like, but I'm already a fan.
