another joke (my turn)

[sportlinecrx]

A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details." Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.
"You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says.

"Just three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and practically salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. "What are the three things?"

"Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I've got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and f**k the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs."

"No problem," the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal your shoelace is untied." When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.

Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a tremendous commotion from the back room--it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.

After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.

"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??

 

[MaliWho97]

Hahahaha, thats a good one. Here's a few.


A Nursery school teacher says to her class,"Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher says "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second a little boy says "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looked horrified and said "JOHNNY! Of course not!!!"
"O.K....Then I definitely Shit my pants..."



An Irishman moves to the USA $ Finally attends his 1st baseball game. The 1st batter approached the batters box,took a few swings and then hit a double.
Everyone was on their feet screaming"Run,Run."
The next batter hits a single & the Irishman listend as the crowd agian cheered"Run,Run."
The Irishman enjoyed the game & began screaming with the fans.
The next batter came up and 4 balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to 1st base.
The Irishman stood up & screamed,"R-R-R-RUN ye bastard,run!" The people around him began pointing & laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the mans embarrassment, leaned over & explained-"He can't run, he got 4 balls."
The Irishman stood up & screamed,"Walk with pride, lad!"

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.." But invariably the another voice would bring him back to reality whispering "Dave...you're a veternarian."


A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way". After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said she understood. The GI said,"I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent,but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"



A man went to church one day and afterward stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?"

 

[Frankie P.]

YUCK!!!

 

[Frankie P.]

A Nursery school teacher says to her class,"Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher says "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second a little boy says "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looked horrified and said "JOHNNY! Of course not!!!"
"O.K....Then I definitely Shit my pants..."

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!! That is fucking funny.

 

[jamesA]

LMAO @ all those.

:bo:

 

[civicious]

Originally posted by Frankie P.@Nov 11 2003, 03:41 PM
YUCK!!!

 

[sportlinecrx]

Originally posted by MaliWho97@Nov 11 2003, 04:41 PM
Hahahaha, thats a good one. Here's a few.


A Nursery school teacher says to her class,"Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher says "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second a little boy says "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looked horrified and said "JOHNNY! Of course not!!!"
"O.K....Then I definitely Shit my pants..."



An Irishman moves to the USA $ Finally attends his 1st baseball game. The 1st batter approached the batters box,took a few swings and then hit a double.
Everyone was on their feet screaming"Run,Run."
The next batter hits a single & the Irishman listend as the crowd agian cheered"Run,Run."
The Irishman enjoyed the game & began screaming with the fans.
The next batter came up and 4 balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to 1st base.
The Irishman stood up & screamed,"R-R-R-RUN ye bastard,run!" The people around him began pointing & laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the mans embarrassment, leaned over & explained-"He can't run, he got 4 balls."
The Irishman stood up & screamed,"Walk with pride, lad!"

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.." But invariably the another voice would bring him back to reality whispering "Dave...you're a veternarian."


A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way". After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said she understood. The GI said,"I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent,but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"



A man went to church one day and afterward stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?"

WTF man?!! dude start your own damn thread next time.

 

[civicgirlracer97]

Heard it.

 

[Airjockie]

/Thread Hijack in Progress

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.








The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again".


/Thread hijack is over....enjoy

 

[civicious]

two condoms are walking by a gaybar.

one looks at the other and says "hey, wanna go get shitfaced?"


edit: oh yeah, and

 

[jamesA]

Originally posted by Airjockie@Nov 11 2003, 08:20 PM
/Thread Hijack in Progress

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.








The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again".


/Thread hijack is over....enjoy

LMAO!! :bo:

 

[sportlinecrx]

hehe that die thread pic is cool!

 

[sportlinecrx]

Originally posted by Airjockie@Nov 11 2003, 08:20 PM
/Thread Hijack in Progress

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.








The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again".


/Thread hijack is over....enjoy

OMG that was worth the hijacking! :bo:

 

[BigJ]

That was great.


The 2nd one.....and the 1st was aight but so used and altered.

 

[rudeludenotmeanthough]

Originally posted by Airjockie@Nov 11 2003, 08:20 PM
/Thread Hijack in Progress

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.








The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again".


/Thread hijack is over....enjoy

HAHAHAHAHAH...nice one. you got my vote. hijack the thread again.